• What kind of blanket does a gingerbread man put on his bed? Cookiesheets.
  • OOO - Back on Oct 30th!
  • What do you get when you smash a pumkin? Squash.
  • Orion’s Belt is a waist of space.
  • OOO - Have a great weekend.
  • The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write this down because I'll remember it."
  • Dentist
  • The only thing flat-earthers fear... is sphere itself
  • Out this morning for an appointment
  • See you Tuesday. Have a great weekend.
  • brb
  • Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
  • The teacher explained how electricity is measured. I was like WATT?
  • WordCamp
  • How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots.
  • :airplane: BRB
  • Travel day. Will check messages later.
  • Traveling - I have my phone and will be checking slack + emails!
  • Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!
  • Teaching kids about fungus is one way to mold young minds.
  • Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
  • My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
  • What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!
  • What to restaurant do rabbits go to for breakfast? IHOP.
  • What to restaurant do rabbits go to for breakfast? IHOP.
  • Not all math problems add up. Just sum…
  • Whats the diff between a badly dressed man on a bike and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
  • What do you call an owl who’s been caught in the act? A spotted owl.
  • What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaains!
  • The wedding was very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
  • My tennis opponent wasn’t happy with my serve. She kept returning it…
  • My sister bet I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her when I drove pasta.
  • My sister bet I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her when I drove pasta.
  • She had a photographic memory but never developed it
  • I've been trying to find out who has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
  • Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
  • Why do people love Switzerland? The flag is a big plus. Canada’s, I could take or leaf.
  • How do snails fight? They slug it out!
  • Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing!
  • My laptop keeps singing “Hello”. It’s a Dell
  • What do you call two scientific authors having an argument? Science Friction.
  • Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!
  • Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.
  • Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
  • When Is The Best Time To Run A Marathon? During Lent. That’s When You Fast.
  • What drink do you serve someone who talks a lot? Chai Tea
  • What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
  • No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
  • What currency do astronauts use in space? Starbucks!
  • What is an astronauts favorite shirt? Apollo
  • I was going to tell you about people who live in the apartment upstairs. But that’s another story.
  • I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone Then it dawned on me.
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  • Insect puns really bug me
  • What award do astronauts get for boarding the capsule first? The starship -enter-prize.
  • What award do astronauts get for board the capsule first? The starship -enter-prize.
  • I have a chicken proof lawn. It’s impeccable
  • At what time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn.
  • OOO back on 07/26
  • I wondered why the boomerang was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • You can tell that a clock is hungry if it goes back four seconds.
  • My friend told me she doesn’t like Lord of the Rings. She doesn’t know what she’s Tolkien about.
  • Told a joke over a teams meeting and no one laughed. It wasn’t remotely funny.
  • Spiders and snakes are a vital part of the eek-osystem
  • What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hairline.
  • What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!
  • Every day I announce that I’m going for a jog, & then I don’t. It’s my longest running joke!
  • I’m pining for a good tree pun I wish they were more popular
  • I asked the clerk if the Fly Killer spray was good for wasps?” He said “No, it kills them”
  • Why Didn't The Hipster Swim In The River? Because It Was Too MainStream
  • I looked up opaque in the dictionary the definition wasn’t very clear
  • My friend just installed ethernet in her home in Sydney. I can’t wait to visit the LAN down under.
  • I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they’re just chilling.
  • Why should you never play poker at the zoo? Too many cheetahs.
  • What did Yoda say after seeing himself in HD? HDMI!
  • I’m the Alpha in our marriage. That make my wife the Beta half
  • Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? They’re really making headlines.
  • Did you hear that story about the biggest mountain in the world? I couldn’t get over it.
  • What are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
  • Why can’t you get a job at the ice rink? There’s a hiring freeze.
  • I took a test on shoes. Totally laced it!
  • How do oranges communicate with one another? They speak in Mandarin.
  • What’d the conductor say when she found her missing music? SCORE!
  • If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder
  • When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!
  • What did the prescriptivist owl say? Whom whom.
  • I saw James Bond cooking burgers in the park. I guess he had a license to grill.
  • I saw James Bond making burgers in the park. I guess he had a license to grill.
  • How did the hipster burn their tongue? They drank their coffee before it was cool.
  • What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
  • Rhonda left me a message saying the humidity will hit 90% today... She wrote it on a sticky note
  • Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen...
  • What would bears be without bees? Ears!
  • I thought that I could do yoga. But, it was a bit of a stretch.
  • Working remotely
  • The math book looked sad because it had too many problems.
  • Our dogs are awesome storytellers, they always paws for dramatic effect.
  • I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
  • Q. Why can't you run through a campground? A. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
  • My dog won't bring the ball back. She says it's too far-fetched.
  • What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man!
  • I quit my grocery store job bc they paid in vegetables instead of cash. The celery was unacceptable.
  • What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Damn.
  • Why do hurricanes make great pirates? Because they only have one eye!
  • Why do hurricanes make great pirates? Because they only have one eye!
  • My cloning experiments finally paid off. I'm so excited, I'm beside myself.
  • What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide
  • How do you make a hot dog stand? Take away its chair.
  • How many ears does Spock have? 3. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!
  • Why do you never want to invite a tree to your party? Because they never leaf when you want them to.
  • What’s the best way to make a tree laugh? Tell it acorn-y joke.
  • What do you call a mouse that swears? A cursor
  • How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
  • Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army? Laughayette.
  • Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.
  • What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down.
  • What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down.
  • I was told "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
  • What did one eye say to the other? Just between you and me, something smells.
  • Who is bigger: Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? The baby, because she's a little bigger.
  • What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear
  • My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl. I said no I didn’t know he could.
  • What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
  • What’s green and goes to summer camp?…A brussel scout!
  • I saw a documentary on frogs. It was toad-aly ribbiting.
  • Did you hear they passed a law banning ice cream? Don’t worry, it was ruled un-cone-stitutional!
  • Where does a lizard go when his tail falls off? The retail store.
  • What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into the other? Sorry! My fault.
  • Why are pirates so angry after using the restroom? When the 'P' is gone, they are just 'irate'
  • I don't know what the word apocalypse means. It's not like it's the end of the world.
  • I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it! Be
  • My cat can’t read. But he is totally litter-ate.
  • Where does a lizard go when his tail falls off? The retail store.
  • I hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to clean the house. Found out she’s a Slovak.
  • Always trust a glue salesman - they tend to stick to their word
  • I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now...
  • I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.
  • What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
  • What did the windmill say to the tornado? Honestly I’m a big fan..
  • I met the man who invented the windowsill. He’s a ledge.
  • I have a terrible fear of tsunamis - it comes in waves
  • Why couldn’t the bike stand up? It was two-tired.
  • Stacy blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play that game.
  • Stacy blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play that game.
  • My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
  • I knew a submarine sailor who was not very talkative. He was a subdued sub dude
  • I found a rock which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
  • A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame
  • Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He’s a lawn mooer.
  • We all know where the big apple is. But does anyone know where the Minneapolis..
  • I love giant squid jokes. They’re always kraken me up!
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
  • If I had a wooden eye. I’d have a wooden eye wouldn’t I
  • I the joke bot work for Gary and Gary only
  • I the joke bot work for Gary and Gary onl
  • I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
  • My friend David just had his ID stolen. We just call him Dav now.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • It’s not easy working on a submarine. You’re under a lot of pressure.
  • A friend started a submarine building company. Unfortunately it went under.
  • What do you call an alien with three eyes? An aliiien.
  • I was going to share a vegetable joke but it’s corny.
  • My friend started a submarine building company. Unfortunately, it went under.
  • Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
  • What do you win in a space talent contest? A constellation prize...
  • Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain? Things ran more fluidly. Happy (late) Fathers Day!
  • I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
  • Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it would be justwater
  • I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I’ve got twelve fridges.
  • What were you saying? I lost my terrain of thought.
  • What’s a dog’s favorite band? The Beagles!
  • I didn’t know traveling in a zeppelin tooks so long. I guess ignorance is blimps.
  • What were you saying? I lost my terrain of thought.
  • I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  • When you die, what is the last body part to stop working? Your pupils - they dilate
  • I hate visiting my dermatologist. She really gets under my skin.
  • A girl once asked me what my heart desired: blood, oxygen and neural messages were wrong answers
  • Why are Sundays stronger than Wednesdays? Because Wednesday is a week day.
  • Why did the internet browser get fat? It accepted all cookies.
  • The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought, “this changes everything”.
  • Thanks for explaining the word “plethora” to me. It means a lot.
  • A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos…” and he disappeared without a tres.
  • A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos…” and he disappeared without a trace.
  • Why didn’t the taco chef show up for work today? He had a bad queso the flu.
  • I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
  • I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.
  • Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!
  • A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.
  • When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf
  • eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and it gave me 12,749 matches.
  • That awkward moment when a zombie looking for brains walks right past you...
  • Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
  • Mona Lisa was once accused of murder.... Turns out, she was framed.
  • What kind of blanket has the most patience? A weighted blanket
  • What kind of blanket has the most patience? A weighted blanked
  • Yesterday I swallowed some food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
  • The word queue is ironic. It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
  • OOO back on 06/08 :speedboat::sunglasses::beach_with_umbrella:!!!
  • You can borrow any DVD from Rick Astley except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
  • I used to drive a steamroller. Everyone says that I was such a flatterer.
  • What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
  • How much does a dragon weigh? It depends on the scales.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
  • Have you tried hiking? It really Alps clear your mind!
  • Did you hear the guy making fake $1 coins? They arrested him in his apartmint.
  • Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
  • Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Those were the days…
  • I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit
  • I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… it was just collecting dust.
  • Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.
  • Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee.
  • I put up an electric fence around my field last weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.
  • There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
  • Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
  • What do race car drivers wear under their fire retardant suits? Speedos!
  • What did Barack say when Michelle left him? I don’t want to be Obama self…
  • What did the ocean say to the beach? – Nothing, it just waved
  • Don’t ever believe an atom, they make everything up
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  • I changed my phone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  • I think somebody added more dirt to my vegetable garden. The plot thickens!
  • Why did the octopus blush? Because the seaweed.
  • What do you call a pile of cats? A meowntain
  • Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
  • I was confused when my printer started making music Until i realized the paper was... jamming.
  • Why did the can crusher quit her job? It was soda-pressing.
  • A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
  • If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.
  • Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • “My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell?” “Awful”
  • I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn’t make ends meet.
  • What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.
  • Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.
  • How do you measure the quality of a pun? With a sighsmograph
  • Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
  • Doctor: “Miss, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.” Me: “And?”
  • Two frogs were croaking at each other outside my window. It was Toadally ribbeting!
  • Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
  • What do you say to a cannibal when he visits the nursing home? Eat your vegetables
  • Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.
  • If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?
  • My dentist and I got into an argument the other day because he didn’t agree with my floss-ophy.
  • My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
  • What do you call a snail that isn’t moving? An escar-stay.
  • Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
  • A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300
  • You think swimming with dolphins is expensive? Try swimming with sharks - cost me an arm and a leg!
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • I dropped my toothpaste, I’m crestfallen.
  • Did you know if you took out your brain and laid every neuron out in a line .. . . you would die.
  • A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  • I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory. The arguments for it aren’t even well rounded
  • I wish I could clean mirrors for a living. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • Some people think it's funny when your nose is wet and runny. But it's snot.
  • It was so cold yesterday my computer froze. My own fault though, I left too many windows open.
  • I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.
  • If your parachute fails while sky diving, it’s okay...you have the rest of your life to fix it.
  • It’s the cold and flu time of year. Or as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a play on words
  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
  • My girlfriend said she is leaving cause I pretend to be a Transformer. I said, “Wait! I can change.”
  • I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, "Na".
  • Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, “how do you drive this thing?”
  • I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID.
  • What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
  • Who do ponies call when they’re possessed by demons? An ex-horse-ist!
  • I got this speedboat real cheap. It was on sail.
  • Why are horses good at Jeopardy? Because they answer in the form of equestrian.
  • What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!
  • The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.
  • Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
  • I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
  • Anasthetic puns make me numb, But arithmetic puns make me number
  • I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
  • My friend fell into an upholstery machine. He’s fully recovered now.
  • A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
  • What do you use to repair a broken bottle of Johnnie Walker? Scotch tape!
  • Mom threw a surprise birthday party for my brother. Guess he’s her favorite twin
  • Did you hear about the antiques collector who found an old Coca-Cola lamp? She was soda lighted.
  • What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo? Use the horse, Luke.
  • Which Jedi had a musical career? A: Bon Jovi-Wan Kenobi.
  • Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the Dark Side.
  • Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi.
  • What do you call an invisible droid? C-through-PO