• What kind of blanket has the most patience? A weighted blanket
  • What kind of blanket has the most patience? A weighted blanked
  • Yesterday I swallowed some food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
  • The word queue is ironic. It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
  • OOO back on 06/08 :speedboat::sunglasses::beach_with_umbrella:!!!
  • You can borrow any DVD from Rick Astley except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
  • I used to drive a steamroller. Everyone says that I was such a flatterer.
  • What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
  • How much does a dragon weigh? It depends on the scales.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
  • Have you tried hiking? It really Alps clear your mind!
  • Did you hear the guy making fake $1 coins? They arrested him in his apartmint.
  • Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
  • Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Those were the days…
  • I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit
  • I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… it was just collecting dust.
  • Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.
  • Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee.
  • I put up an electric fence around my field last weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.
  • There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
  • Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
  • What do race car drivers wear under their fire retardant suits? Speedos!
  • What did Barack say when Michelle left him? I don’t want to be Obama self…
  • What did the ocean say to the beach? – Nothing, it just waved
  • Don’t ever believe an atom, they make everything up
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  • I changed my phone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  • I think somebody added more dirt to my vegetable garden. The plot thickens!
  • Why did the octopus blush? Because the seaweed.
  • What do you call a pile of cats? A meowntain
  • Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
  • I was confused when my printer started making music Until i realized the paper was... jamming.
  • Why did the can crusher quit her job? It was soda-pressing.
  • A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
  • If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.
  • Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • “My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell?” “Awful”
  • I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn’t make ends meet.
  • What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.
  • Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.
  • How do you measure the quality of a pun? With a sighsmograph
  • Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
  • Doctor: “Miss, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.” Me: “And?”
  • Two frogs were croaking at each other outside my window. It was Toadally ribbeting!
  • Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
  • What do you say to a cannibal when he visits the nursing home? Eat your vegetables
  • Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.
  • If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?
  • My dentist and I got into an argument the other day because he didn’t agree with my floss-ophy.
  • My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
  • What do you call a snail that isn’t moving? An escar-stay.
  • Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
  • A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300
  • You think swimming with dolphins is expensive? Try swimming with sharks - cost me an arm and a leg!
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • I dropped my toothpaste, I’m crestfallen.
  • Did you know if you took out your brain and laid every neuron out in a line .. . . you would die.
  • A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  • I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory. The arguments for it aren’t even well rounded
  • I wish I could clean mirrors for a living. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • Some people think it's funny when your nose is wet and runny. But it's snot.
  • It was so cold yesterday my computer froze. My own fault though, I left too many windows open.
  • I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.
  • If your parachute fails while sky diving, it’s okay...you have the rest of your life to fix it.
  • It’s the cold and flu time of year. Or as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a play on words
  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
  • My girlfriend said she is leaving cause I pretend to be a Transformer. I said, “Wait! I can change.”
  • I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, "Na".
  • Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, “how do you drive this thing?”
  • I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID.
  • What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
  • Who do ponies call when they’re possessed by demons? An ex-horse-ist!
  • I got this speedboat real cheap. It was on sail.
  • Why are horses good at Jeopardy? Because they answer in the form of equestrian.
  • What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!
  • The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.
  • Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
  • I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
  • Anasthetic puns make me numb, But arithmetic puns make me number
  • I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
  • My friend fell into an upholstery machine. He’s fully recovered now.
  • A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
  • What do you use to repair a broken bottle of Johnnie Walker? Scotch tape!
  • Mom threw a surprise birthday party for my brother. Guess he’s her favorite twin
  • Did you hear about the antiques collector who found an old Coca-Cola lamp? She was soda lighted.
  • What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo? Use the horse, Luke.
  • Which Jedi had a musical career? A: Bon Jovi-Wan Kenobi.
  • Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the Dark Side.
  • Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi.
  • What do you call an invisible droid? C-through-PO