What kind of blanket does a gingerbread man put on his bed? Cookiesheets.
OOO - Back on Oct 30th!
What do you get when you smash a pumkin? Squash.
Orion’s Belt is a waist of space.
OOO - Have a great weekend.
The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write this down because I'll remember it."
Dentist
The only thing flat-earthers fear... is sphere itself- Out this morning for an appointment
- See you Tuesday. Have a great weekend.
- brb
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
The teacher explained how electricity is measured. I was like WATT?
WordCamp
How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots.
:airplane: BRB- Travel day. Will check messages later.
Traveling - I have my phone and will be checking slack + emails!
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!
Teaching kids about fungus is one way to mold young minds.
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!
What to restaurant do rabbits go to for breakfast? IHOP.- What to restaurant do rabbits go to for breakfast? IHOP.
Not all math problems add up. Just sum…
Whats the diff between a badly dressed man on a bike and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
What do you call an owl who’s been caught in the act? A spotted owl.
What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaains!
The wedding was very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
My tennis opponent wasn’t happy with my serve. She kept returning it…
My sister bet I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her when I drove pasta.- My sister bet I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her when I drove pasta.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it
I've been trying to find out who has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
Why do people love Switzerland? The flag is a big plus. Canada’s, I could take or leaf.
How do snails fight? They slug it out!
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing!- My laptop keeps singing “Hello”. It’s a Dell
What do you call two scientific authors having an argument? Science Friction.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!
Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
When Is The Best Time To Run A Marathon? During Lent. That’s When You Fast.
What drink do you serve someone who talks a lot? Chai Tea
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
What currency do astronauts use in space? Starbucks!
What is an astronauts favorite shirt? Apollo
I was going to tell you about people who live in the apartment upstairs. But that’s another story.
I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone Then it dawned on me.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Insect puns really bug me
What award do astronauts get for boarding the capsule first? The starship -enter-prize.- What award do astronauts get for board the capsule first? The starship -enter-prize.
I have a chicken proof lawn. It’s impeccable
At what time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn.
OOO back on 07/26
I wondered why the boomerang was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
You can tell that a clock is hungry if it goes back four seconds.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Lord of the Rings. She doesn’t know what she’s Tolkien about.
Told a joke over a teams meeting and no one laughed. It wasn’t remotely funny.
Spiders and snakes are a vital part of the eek-osystem
What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hairline.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener!
Every day I announce that I’m going for a jog, & then I don’t. It’s my longest running joke!
I’m pining for a good tree pun I wish they were more popular
I asked the clerk if the Fly Killer spray was good for wasps?” He said “No, it kills them”
Why Didn't The Hipster Swim In The River? Because It Was Too MainStream
I looked up opaque in the dictionary the definition wasn’t very clear
My friend just installed ethernet in her home in Sydney. I can’t wait to visit the LAN down under.
I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they’re just chilling.
Why should you never play poker at the zoo? Too many cheetahs.- What did Yoda say after seeing himself in HD? HDMI!
I’m the Alpha in our marriage. That make my wife the Beta half
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? They’re really making headlines.
Did you hear that story about the biggest mountain in the world? I couldn’t get over it.
What are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
Why can’t you get a job at the ice rink? There’s a hiring freeze.
I took a test on shoes. Totally laced it!
How do oranges communicate with one another? They speak in Mandarin.
What’d the conductor say when she found her missing music? SCORE!
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!- What did the prescriptivist owl say? Whom whom.
I saw James Bond cooking burgers in the park. I guess he had a license to grill.- I saw James Bond making burgers in the park. I guess he had a license to grill.
- How did the hipster burn their tongue? They drank their coffee before it was cool.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
Rhonda left me a message saying the humidity will hit 90% today... She wrote it on a sticky note
Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen...
What would bears be without bees? Ears!
I thought that I could do yoga. But, it was a bit of a stretch.
Working remotely
The math book looked sad because it had too many problems.
Our dogs are awesome storytellers, they always paws for dramatic effect.
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Q. Why can't you run through a campground? A. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
My dog won't bring the ball back. She says it's too far-fetched.
What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man!
I quit my grocery store job bc they paid in vegetables instead of cash. The celery was unacceptable.- What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Damn.
Why do hurricanes make great pirates? Because they only have one eye!
Why do hurricanes make great pirates? Because they only have one eye!
My cloning experiments finally paid off. I'm so excited, I'm beside myself.
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide
How do you make a hot dog stand? Take away its chair.
How many ears does Spock have? 3. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!- Why do you never want to invite a tree to your party? Because they never leaf when you want them to.
- What’s the best way to make a tree laugh? Tell it acorn-y joke.
What do you call a mouse that swears? A cursor
How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.- Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army? Laughayette.
- Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.
- What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? It can’t sit down.- I was told "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
What did one eye say to the other? Just between you and me, something smells.
Who is bigger: Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? The baby, because she's a little bigger.- What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear
- My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl. I said no I didn’t know he could.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
What’s green and goes to summer camp?…A brussel scout!
I saw a documentary on frogs. It was toad-aly ribbiting.
Did you hear they passed a law banning ice cream? Don’t worry, it was ruled un-cone-stitutional!
Where does a lizard go when his tail falls off? The retail store.- What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into the other? Sorry! My fault.
- Why are pirates so angry after using the restroom? When the 'P' is gone, they are just 'irate'
I don't know what the word apocalypse means. It's not like it's the end of the world.
I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it! Be
My cat can’t read. But he is totally litter-ate.- Where does a lizard go when his tail falls off? The retail store.
- I hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to clean the house. Found out she’s a Slovak.
Always trust a glue salesman - they tend to stick to their word
I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now...- I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.
- What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
What did the windmill say to the tornado? Honestly I’m a big fan..
I met the man who invented the windowsill. He’s a ledge.- I have a terrible fear of tsunamis - it comes in waves
- Why couldn’t the bike stand up? It was two-tired.
Stacy blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play that game.
Stacy blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns. Well, toucan play that game.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
I knew a submarine sailor who was not very talkative. He was a subdued sub dude
I found a rock which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.- A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He’s a lawn mooer.
We all know where the big apple is. But does anyone know where the Minneapolis..
I love giant squid jokes. They’re always kraken me up!
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.- If I had a wooden eye. I’d have a wooden eye wouldn’t I
- I the joke bot work for Gary and Gary only
- I the joke bot work for Gary and Gary onl
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
My friend David just had his ID stolen. We just call him Dav now.- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
It’s not easy working on a submarine. You’re under a lot of pressure.- A friend started a submarine building company. Unfortunately it went under.
What do you call an alien with three eyes? An aliiien.
I was going to share a vegetable joke but it’s corny.- My friend started a submarine building company. Unfortunately, it went under.
Lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over- What do you win in a space talent contest? A constellation prize...
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain? Things ran more fluidly. Happy (late) Fathers Day!
I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.- Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it would be justwater
I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I’ve got twelve fridges.
What were you saying? I lost my terrain of thought.- What’s a dog’s favorite band? The Beagles!
I didn’t know traveling in a zeppelin tooks so long. I guess ignorance is blimps.
What were you saying? I lost my terrain of thought.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
When you die, what is the last body part to stop working? Your pupils - they dilate
I hate visiting my dermatologist. She really gets under my skin.
A girl once asked me what my heart desired: blood, oxygen and neural messages were wrong answers
Why are Sundays stronger than Wednesdays? Because Wednesday is a week day.- Why did the internet browser get fat? It accepted all cookies.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought, “this changes everything”.
Thanks for explaining the word “plethora” to me. It means a lot.
A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos…” and he disappeared without a tres.- A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos…” and he disappeared without a trace.
Why didn’t the taco chef show up for work today? He had a bad queso the flu.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!- A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.
When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf- eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and it gave me 12,749 matches.
That awkward moment when a zombie looking for brains walks right past you...
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
Mona Lisa was once accused of murder.... Turns out, she was framed.
What kind of blanket has the most patience? A weighted blanket- What kind of blanket has the most patience? A weighted blanked
- Yesterday I swallowed some food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
- The word queue is ironic. It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
OOO back on 06/08 :speedboat::sunglasses::beach_with_umbrella:!!!
You can borrow any DVD from Rick Astley except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
I used to drive a steamroller. Everyone says that I was such a flatterer.
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
How much does a dragon weigh? It depends on the scales.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.- Have you tried hiking? It really Alps clear your mind!
Did you hear the guy making fake $1 coins? They arrested him in his apartmint.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Those were the days…- I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… it was just collecting dust.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.
Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee.- I put up an electric fence around my field last weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.
- There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
- Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What do race car drivers wear under their fire retardant suits? Speedos!- What did Barack say when Michelle left him? I don’t want to be Obama self…
- What did the ocean say to the beach? – Nothing, it just waved
Don’t ever believe an atom, they make everything up
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I changed my phone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I think somebody added more dirt to my vegetable garden. The plot thickens!
Why did the octopus blush? Because the seaweed.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowntain
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
I was confused when my printer started making music Until i realized the paper was... jamming.
Why did the can crusher quit her job? It was soda-pressing.- A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.- Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
- “My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell?” “Awful”
- I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn’t make ends meet.
What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.- How do you measure the quality of a pun? With a sighsmograph
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Doctor: “Miss, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.” Me: “And?”- Two frogs were croaking at each other outside my window. It was Toadally ribbeting!
Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.- What do you say to a cannibal when he visits the nursing home? Eat your vegetables
Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.
If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?- My dentist and I got into an argument the other day because he didn’t agree with my floss-ophy.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.- What do you call a snail that isn’t moving? An escar-stay.
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.- A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300
You think swimming with dolphins is expensive? Try swimming with sharks - cost me an arm and a leg!
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I dropped my toothpaste, I’m crestfallen.
Did you know if you took out your brain and laid every neuron out in a line .. . . you would die.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.- I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory. The arguments for it aren’t even well rounded
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Some people think it's funny when your nose is wet and runny. But it's snot.- It was so cold yesterday my computer froze. My own fault though, I left too many windows open.
I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.- If your parachute fails while sky diving, it’s okay...you have the rest of your life to fix it.
It’s the cold and flu time of year. Or as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a play on words- I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
My girlfriend said she is leaving cause I pretend to be a Transformer. I said, “Wait! I can change.”
I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, "Na".
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, “how do you drive this thing?”
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID.
What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!- Who do ponies call when they’re possessed by demons? An ex-horse-ist!
- I got this speedboat real cheap. It was on sail.
- Why are horses good at Jeopardy? Because they answer in the form of equestrian.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!- The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.
- Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
Anasthetic puns make me numb, But arithmetic puns make me number- I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
My friend fell into an upholstery machine. He’s fully recovered now.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
What do you use to repair a broken bottle of Johnnie Walker? Scotch tape!
Mom threw a surprise birthday party for my brother. Guess he’s her favorite twin- Did you hear about the antiques collector who found an old Coca-Cola lamp? She was soda lighted.
- What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo? Use the horse, Luke.
- Which Jedi had a musical career? A: Bon Jovi-Wan Kenobi.
- Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the Dark Side.
- Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi.
- What do you call an invisible droid? C-through-PO