What kind of blanket has the most patience? A weighted blanket- What kind of blanket has the most patience? A weighted blanked
Yesterday I swallowed some food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The word queue is ironic. It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
OOO back on 06/08 :speedboat::sunglasses::beach_with_umbrella:!!!
You can borrow any DVD from Rick Astley except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
I used to drive a steamroller. Everyone says that I was such a flatterer.
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
How much does a dragon weigh? It depends on the scales.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
Have you tried hiking? It really Alps clear your mind!
Did you hear the guy making fake $1 coins? They arrested him in his apartmint.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Those were the days…
I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… it was just collecting dust.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.
Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space. It was a cat astro fee.
I put up an electric fence around my field last weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What do race car drivers wear under their fire retardant suits? Speedos!
What did Barack say when Michelle left him? I don’t want to be Obama self…
What did the ocean say to the beach? – Nothing, it just waved
Don’t ever believe an atom, they make everything up
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I changed my phone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I think somebody added more dirt to my vegetable garden. The plot thickens!
Why did the octopus blush? Because the seaweed.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowntain
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
I was confused when my printer started making music Until i realized the paper was... jamming.
Why did the can crusher quit her job? It was soda-pressing.- A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.- Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
“My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell?” “Awful”
I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn’t make ends meet.
What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? Alpaca lunch.
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.- How do you measure the quality of a pun? With a sighsmograph
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Doctor: “Miss, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.” Me: “And?”
Two frogs were croaking at each other outside my window. It was Toadally ribbeting!
Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.- What do you say to a cannibal when he visits the nursing home? Eat your vegetables
Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.
If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?- My dentist and I got into an argument the other day because he didn’t agree with my floss-ophy.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
What do you call a snail that isn’t moving? An escar-stay.
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300
You think swimming with dolphins is expensive? Try swimming with sharks - cost me an arm and a leg!
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I dropped my toothpaste, I’m crestfallen.
Did you know if you took out your brain and laid every neuron out in a line .. . . you would die.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory. The arguments for it aren’t even well rounded
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Some people think it's funny when your nose is wet and runny. But it's snot.- It was so cold yesterday my computer froze. My own fault though, I left too many windows open.
I'm worried for the calendar because its days are numbered.
If your parachute fails while sky diving, it’s okay...you have the rest of your life to fix it.
It’s the cold and flu time of year. Or as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was really just a play on words- I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
My girlfriend said she is leaving cause I pretend to be a Transformer. I said, “Wait! I can change.”
I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, "Na".
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, “how do you drive this thing?”
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID.
What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!- Who do ponies call when they’re possessed by demons? An ex-horse-ist!
- I got this speedboat real cheap. It was on sail.
- Why are horses good at Jeopardy? Because they answer in the form of equestrian.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!- The pony couldn't sing because it was a little horse.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
Anasthetic puns make me numb, But arithmetic puns make me number
I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
My friend fell into an upholstery machine. He’s fully recovered now.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
What do you use to repair a broken bottle of Johnnie Walker? Scotch tape!
Mom threw a surprise birthday party for my brother. Guess he’s her favorite twin- Did you hear about the antiques collector who found an old Coca-Cola lamp? She was soda lighted.
- What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo? Use the horse, Luke.
- Which Jedi had a musical career? A: Bon Jovi-Wan Kenobi.
- Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the Dark Side.
- Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi.
- What do you call an invisible droid? C-through-PO